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So theres Patrick... And he makes me feel whole again :)

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So theres Patrick... And he makes me feel whole again :)

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Theres a part of me thats still in love with jerry... But 75% of me is madly in love with J... What the fuck do i do? Both are unattainable... Fml...

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just the way you like it

i need to vent...
pat and i have been getting close.
no need for me to tell you that i adore this kid.
he's amazing.. makes me laugh.. i can't even look at him without smiling.
long story short, probation violation has him in jail on a po hold.
fucking bullshit.
i hate it. its like jay all over again.
pat isn't a bad guy.
he's fucked up, but who hasn't? he just got caught.
i miss him like crazy.
worked my ass off today between cna orientation and trying to call visitation.
i called 7 times before i got through.
and she could only say, "his appointments are booked for the next two weeks."
excuse me? im one of the few people who gives a shit about this guy
and you're going to sit there and tell me i can't see him?
FUCK YOU.
i NEED him. i can't function right now.
my anxiety level is at an all new fucking high.
i've been considering going to the doctor for it because its been like this for nearly six months.
how is a person expected to function when the only thing that makes them smile is stuck in jail for at least two more weeks and i can't fucking SEE HIM?
im pissed. im outraged. im an emotional mess.
nothing sounds better than drowning my sorrows with alcohol.
i know it doesn't help, but it does temporarily.
if i didnt have to work tomorrow morning, i totally would.
i just need pat. bottom line.
i need someone. no one knows how bad im hurting right now.
and even if they did, no one seems to give two shits about saying something simple like, "hey, i love you. it will be okay, i promise."
anyone? someone? please?
i cry at random moments.
like today during the fucking sexual harassment video.
i couldn't think of anything but pat in that jail cell...
and how i can't see him for at least two weeks.
and my biggest fear?
my biggest fear is that he won't give a shit about me when he gets out.
he'll realize that i never came to visit
he'll realize that im not worth it or something.
and that thought alone makes me cry.

i can't fucking handle this right now.

Chicken breast... Chocolatey fudge chocolatey chocolate things, Swiss rolls, pb cups, oatmeal cream pies and monster. What a perfect nighttttttttt

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You know... Ive had a very emotional few days... Like that neverending feeling of not being good enough and feeling completely worthless. It gets so fucking old after awhile. I can't catch a break anywhere. Something has completely changed between butch and I and I can't quite put my finger on it but it's really stessing me out. Justin and I have gotten a little closer which is good I guess. He finally moved into his new place and it's pretty fucking amazing. I can totally see us moving in together in the near future.

Other than that, everything else remains pretty much the same. Dan and I have drifted so far apart, it kills me. He hardly talks to me and when he does, he is very short with me. I want the old dan back. Even the dan that was... You know... Whatever. I miss my dan. The one who would invite me over and the one who gave me hugs that made me melt. Now he's become this void in my life that I can't really fill. Now I'm half empty and awfully broken =(

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Jun. 16th, 2009

what the FUCK ever. im so sick of people.
jon and i had our last little "fling"...
dan isn't talking to me for some unknown reason...
whatever. i'm done.

quotes cuz i'm angry.

I felt left out; like you didn't even want me. Or to be near me. So, I found other people who did, and now you're mad at me? Well, yeah that is messed up. But, I'd rather smile with those who care than those who don't.
[that's dan to a god damn fucking T. fuck you.]

Relationships are worth fighting for,
but not if you're the only one fighting.

i hate that time before
you go to sleep at night cause thats
when all the thoughts you've been
trying to avoid start to linger in your mind

It's not supposed to happen this way.
She's supposed to find someone who's much better for her.
But instead, she's still stuck on you.

You know I miss you,
but I don't want to miss you if it's not mutual.
I think about you everyday and
I'm scared I'm not even crossing your mind.

whatever. im done.
"not very revealing, but damn... you look amazing."
"that is so amazingly hot, you don't even know :D"
"yes... thats the perfect shade... omg i want to maul you right now"
"maybe... but i'll have male issues every time i see it cuz i know the truth :P"
"i honestly cant look away from the last one"
"im too selfish to share these"
"but ur beautiful..."
"i want to come over nao kthnx"
"i think you are beautiful, isnt it good enough?"
"idk... but i want to bite you"
"as beautiful as it is, its cheating. gimmie something that'll make me need a cigarette ^_^"
"but what about this where i care but an actual relationship isnt an option. i dont want you for your body meg... granted its great but thats not what draws my attention to you"
"i... have no response for that. its nothing to do with you its just and old policy i used to have that sarah forced me to reinstate. if by principle i could have taken you back the next day i would have, but i just cant let things get that far again"
"forgive me if i sound brash but its harder for me to say no than im sure it is to wish i would say yes, hun... :("
"no it isn't, talk to me til theres nothing left. plz. i like talking to you."

what do i do?

Jun. 2nd, 2009

(12:13:18 AM) mmogamerjn: i think you're beautiful. always have....

Jon: never think that. Meg u are beautiful and one of the most wonderful women I know. It's a shame we didn't work out and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already do. Honestly it's hard for me to say no to you... And even more brutally honest would be that I want to tear your clothes off and throw you up against a wall... But I can't bring myself to let you put yourself in that position knowing you'd expect everything to be like it was.

:* it's okay Hun just let it be

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